Guest Review: Count Spatula Plays Diablo III on Xbox 360

TriG here. It is with great pleasure that I introduce my guest reviewer, Count Spatula. This review had me laughing, for sure, so I hope you enjoy it! I know I’m looking forward to more from him in the future!


I started playing Blizzard Entertainment’s imaginatively named Diablo III with unfair expectations of it bringing back the magic of the previous incarnation, Diablo II. If I had to guess how many hours I lost playing Diablo II, I would have to say it numbered in the thousands. I skipped class, I lost sleep, I got into fights with my girlfriend, and I loved every minute. There was something enchanting about that game, that no matter how long you played, there was just one more run, one more chance at some amazing loot that kept you coming back, and ignoring all responsibility. Diablo II still has a rather large online population after over 10 years. Hell, I probably would still boot the game up every once in a while if my computer hadn’t been struck by lightning. My ‘new’ computer can’t even run most websites.

Does that sexy thing have a Pentium 4? You bet! Now with 3 colors!

So, Diablo III has some big shoes to fill, at least in my eyes. The lack of a good, or even remotely working, PC prevented me from getting the game for when it first came out. Even if I did, I’m not sure I would have picked the game up anyway as the initial reports and reviews of the game were negative. It was boring, the colors were too bright, the auction house was just another way for Blizzard to make a shit ton of money off of players. The big consensus, though, was that the magic was just gone: It wasn’t Diablo II.

But… that’s the point right? Making a new game means to make, well, a new game. Not regurgitate the same material with new graphics every year…


Eventually the game came out for Xbox 360, and my friend picked it up day 1. I ended up, somewhat begrudgingly, getting the game after weeks of goading from said friend. I knew they removed the auction house mechanic, so that was a plus. However, deep down I knew it wasn’t going to be the same, so I was a little hesitant. You know what though? Spoiler alert: The game IS fun. The new graphics and style make the world come alive, even if they are ‘too bright’ for some hard core Horror-philes. The worlds have always been dynamic, changing every time you load the game, but Diablo 3 adds unique areas and monsters that don’t always spawn. So even between playthroughs the same area may have 5 different dungeons and sub-areas. A new kind of sidequest, called events, are a nice addition to the game. They almost act as a mini game asking you to defend an area or kill a boss for a reward. Now, since the areas are random, you’ll probably find new events in each playthrough. The story is more prevalent, with many books to read and conversations to have with the main NPCs. I still wouldn’t call the story driving or ‘good’ but there definitely is more to this one than in the previous game. That said, the plot is rather predictable at points, like the middle/end of Act II.

Hmm, why does Zultan keep laughing like that…. It’s a trap is what!

Thanks Zoidberg, we figured that out hours ago…

The gameplay, even if it was streamlined and mainstreamed, was still, at its crux, Diablo. Combat is the same; mash buttons until enemies die and then collect their items. The dodge stick is a nice touch, allowing you to quickly roll out of the way of an on coming attack. The eight different difficulty settings mean that you can customize your gameplay to your experience level. The higher the difficulty, the greater the reward. I found that to be a welcome feature at the end of the first playthrough when I could slaughter most everything in one hit. Enemies are numerous, varied, and have special attacks/moves that require some planning on how to beat them. Along the same vein there are unique enemies that only spawn a small percent of the time. Some, like “Nine Toads: Terror of the Borderlands” are nice references to other games/pop culture that made me smile.

Your mom even makes a guest appearance.

The Smith and Jeweler are nice touches in my opinion. Each of them can be leveled and they pay nice dividends to the player by granting the ability to create items and craft better gems. Characters don’t have a skill tree anymore, and skills can be changed at any time. Instead, as you level you unlock new runes for the skills that change how they work. This is a big departure from Diablo II where skills were permanent and if you were drunk and picked the wrong skill, you were shit out of luck. The runes also mean that there are new skills/runes every level until the maximum of 60. That means you have something new to look forward to until the very end, which is nice. However, that means there is no real need to make more than one of each class since you can change skills on the fly for any situation.

As a whole, I still find the ‘end of game’ kind of lacking. There is a whole playthrough, dubiously dubbed ‘Inferno’, which you play at max level. Yes, you have a chance at the best items, and yes you have a new mechanic called “Nephalem Valor” that further increases your chance at the best items, but it seems kind of hollow. Uniques drop like crazy anyway (at least in the console version), so at best you’re just getting the level 60 version of an item. Not to mention at that point you’d better hope you like the story because you will have played the same game with the same character four times. There will be an expansion which will add some end game content, but I doubt it will ever come to the 360.

So far I’ve spent this whole review comparing Diablo III to its predecessor. You may think this is unfair, and objectively I agree with you. Objectively this is a good, maybe even great game. The drive to level your character and get the next best item is almost overwhelming at times. It’s easy to pick up even without prior game experience (as my fiancé and her friends can tell you). There is just something missing though, something I can’t quite put my finger on, that keeps me from loving this game. I find myself bored after a while (especially in Act II) and I can’t play by myself for more than an hour. The game is still at its best when played with friends and now I can’t find myself playing it without them. At this point I have great items and enough organs to host a Haggis Festival, and no reason to continue playing alone. I still play when my friends are over, but if I’m alone I’d rather play Minecraft or Skyrim. My friend and I have already moved on to the next game after just a few months, only playing together maybe once a week. The game lacks the all engrossing replay value that kept me coming back to Diablo II at every chance. It was an addiction, and really, that was one of the things that made Diablo, well,Diablo.

Maybe it’s because we’re growing up, but I can’t tell if nostalgia is keeping me from loving this game, or that this game really just lacks some of that addictive magic that lowered my grades and made me have raccoon eyes. The mark of a great game is that it surpasses your expectations, even if they are lofty to begin with. I guess that’s why the magic just wasn’t there. I expected this game to absorb my life like Diablo II did, and was thusly disappointed. This game, no matter how good, will live in the shadow of its former self.

It may sound as if I didn’t like this game, but really I quite enjoyed it. I think this game has Portal 2 Syndrome: Its very good, but it will never live up to the expectations of the previous game to those who have played both. Diablo II coincided with the end of high school, and by extension my childhood. DiabloIII was my attempt at going back to a time when the most I had to worry about was how many Baal runs I could do before I would have to sleep in class to catch up. I was expecting Diablo III to sweep me off my feet, treat me to a fantastic dinner and finally popping the question with a Stone of Jordan. When it showed up with flowers, coupons for a steak house, and the same Goldwrap it gave it me last year, I wasn’t mad… just a little disappointed. The same, I guess, is true of all nostalgic pursuits: We always remember the time fondly, and even if we can never quite recapture the magic of those days it doesn’t mean we still can’t have a good time doing it.

Beer helps, too.

The Good: Online play, item drops are still satisfying, the game is streamlined so its easier to pick up, loot is generated individually online, graphics, the music is nice, difficulty settings, and its still a good if not great game.

The Bad: The story is still dull, Act II is way too long, characters have ridiculous item dependencies; you need the best items to do well, replay value (after a point)

The Ugly: Can lag sometimes on the newer Xboxes (re: mine), fighting over items on the same xbox.

Buy this game if: You have some friends to play it with, you like grinding games, you like Blizzard games, you like games in general, or if you’re new to gaming in general.

Don’t buy this game if: You want another Diablo II, have unreasonably high expectations, you don’t like fast paced gameplay, or you don’t have anyone to play this game with.

Overall Rating: Four writhing spines out of five.


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